The Soh-ool Big Bus Drive Handabook

The congratulations!

You are pass the Soh-ool extra driving assessment test evaluation exam for the big bus and now you are the big bus driver! This handabook will be helping your driving style be the more better driving style of all the Soh-ool big bus drivers. If forget ever how to being Soh-ool big bus drivers, this handabook can assists you.

• The first importantly is remember that every bus journey is the race. Being the Soh-ool big bus driver will more easily be when pretend big bus is the small car. Be the very fast driver. Do not slow down at the corners. Big bus moves most faster on the three wheels.

• It is very mistaken to leave the space in front of the Soh-ool big bus because the free space in the Korea is for the rice-growing. So therefore, always be more fewer than 5cm from the Daewoo/Hyundai/Kia in front of you. If the car in the front is not the Daewoo/Hyundai/Kia then pretend it not there and try drive over it. Serve the very dirty man right for not buying the Korean car.

• If you want to stop at the bus stop to collection the passengers then you can, but this is not the most importantly thing. Always be move. Remembering the race.

• The Soh-ool big bus has the brake pedal made from the 6-inch steel. You must always use the two foots to stop the buses. If there is a red light ahead, be surely to do the extra hard on the brake pedal, especially if there are no cars close to you. This is extra importantly when there are person standing on the bus. A braking is more funny if a person fall down and will make you more happier in consolation prize if not be race winner.

• The back mirror looking above your head is to check if any standing person on the Soh-ool big bus removes the hands from the bars to change the song on the iPod or send messagey on the handaphone. If the person has no hand on the bars, they fall over more easier. This is perfect time for extra braking or quickly starting. Either is the funny thing.

• Never use the indicationing sticks next to the move-wheel. In the centre of the move wheel there is the loud button. Use this loud button to tell the Daewoo/Hyundai/Kia that you change the lane. Never do this before you change the lane, only after you start to change the lane. Remember you are the Soh-ool big bus. If you hit the small car, the Daewoo/Hyundai/Kia driver will only be the dead if they not eat the kimchi that day. If the car is not the Daewoo/Hyundai/Kia, you should always try and killing the driver.

• From the time to time, the American foreigner will join the bus. The American foreigner will oftenly claim to be the Canadian foreigner, the English foreigner or the Australian foreigner. Forgetting this. They are the American foreigner. When the American foreigner joins the Soh-ool big bus, he may try to speak in the language that sounds like the Korean. It is not the Korean. Even if it sounds the perfect Korean for "Two tickets, please", you must ignoring this. The American foreigner only understands the finger point. Only give the American foreigner the two tickets if the American foreigner puts up the two fingers. Resisting to say 'Kimchi'. After the giving the American foreigner the two tickets then do the quickly starting maneuvering we mentioning before. The American foreigner falling over is the more funny thing than the Korean falling over.

Okay, you are now ready to go and driving the Soh-ool big bus. Remembering the soju for you pocket, and never forgetting the race!

The congratulations!

The Desk is Warm, The Feet Are Cold

I've had some pretty boring jobs in my time. Considering I'm fairly lazy I've kept myself gainfully employed for 10 years now. Except for a 2-year break where I moved to another city and got high (I think they call it University) I've been constantly working, and I even worked as a bread-slicer in my 3rd year at Uni. That was awful, let me tell you.

As well as 3 stints in 2 different supermarkets I have delivered newspapers (for a while anyway, before I started dumping them into some local bushes) served dinner at a hotel (I once spilled soup down a woman's back and then denied it despite being observed doing so by the entire table) and folded shirts in a men's clothes store (under the employ of a sociopath named Rob who readily enjoyed torturing his teenage underlings with a number of disgusting techniques, his favourite being wiping the sweat from behind his balls on your top lip so you could smell nothing else all day). I said that I have kept myself employed. I didn't say that I enjoyed it.

However, for the most part, I have enjoyed my teaching jobs in Korea. I have very little accountability or real responsibility besides keeping the kids entertained. I am able to actual impart a little knowledge onto the little shits, and when that doesn't work we can play hangman. It's fun. This year especially, with my teaching day ending at 1.30pm or earlier, I have been able to take my working life with a pinch of salt, as most of the time it doesn't feel like 'work' at all. But I will say, with all the respect that is due, that the Korean schooling system is stupid.

I am sat in my office at 3.05pm on a Monday afternoon. This is what I have done so far today.

• 08.30 Arrive at school
• 08.30-09.00 Drink coffee, surf the internet
• 09.00-09.25 Realise that the Superbowl is on, take a second to decide whether I care then try to find a decent stream
• 09.25-11.30 Watch the Superbowl, marvel at the number of adverts, vaguely wish I lived in America, become disgusted with the power of consumerism, realise I am a consumerist
• 11.30-11.55 Stare blankly at the computer screen, mindlessly hitting F5, hoping somebody has done something on facebook that I can look at
• 11.55-12.30 Sob softly into my kimchi and rice and try to pretend it's a burger
• 12.30-3.00 Watch House, shivering.

I don't get it. I don't know why I'm here. Considering what other people have to do for their jobs then I shouldn't really complain about doing nothing but it's so....so...boring. All we're doing is wasting time. The office is full of people on the Internet, the heating is on full blast and it's still cold, it's annoying. All those times when I was slicing bread before dawn in Lancaster I would have killed someone for a job like this. Now, I'm bored as hell.

Anyway, I must run. Someone I don't care about has updated their facebook status.

Love, Smithy x