A few weeks ago, I predicted that United would win 3-1 in their tricky home game against Spurs. Guess what happened?

We won 3-1.

After this irrefutable evidence of my being a psychic, I predicted that Chelsea would draw 1-1 the following day with Stoke City, thus allowing United back into the title race. Guess what happened?

Chelsea won 7-0.

Yesterday, United played host to Stoke City in the final game of the season while Chelsea welcomed Wigan, knowing a win would secure the title regardless what United did. Only by Chelsea dropping points and United winning could the title remain in Manchester where it belongs.

My predictions?

United 4 - 0 Stoke City

Chelsea 1 - 1 Wigan Athletic

The reality?

United 4 - 0 Stoke City

Chelsea 8 - 0 Wigan Athletic

I was far from pleased, as you can imagine.

The thing is, I've known since the week of horror (going out of the Champion League, losing to Chelsea and drawing with Blackburn) that our title run was over and, if I'm honest, I've never really believed this season that we'd win the league. Chelsea looked awesome in the first few months and they'd have sewn the title up weeks ago if it weren't for some slip ups that they made against lesser teams. They've scored 7 goals 3 times this season and in their last game they scored 8. That's remarkable. I guess they deserve to be Champions.

But my god, I hate Chelsea.

As a United fan my entire life, it is in my blood to loathe City and the Scousers and believe me, that hatred is very real. But I reserve a special kind of contempt for Chelsea. It could be the fact that they received a financial injection from a Russian gangster that allowed their spending to be unrivaled until City did the same with some Arabs. It could be that they're based in central London, and I generally don't like people from that region anyway.

But I think that it's mainly due to their strange talent for selecting the most disgusting individuals in the world to play for them. People hate United because we have been the most consistently great team in the Kingdom for the last 2 decades, but we don't really employ dickheads. Chelsea, on the other hand...

Well, put it this way. After Chelsea's 1st goal went in last night after 6 minutes, I knew that the dream was dead and I decided to busy myself in other ways. I finally decided, after a debate that had been ongoing all season, in which order I'd shoot the Chelsea players if I was given a gun containing 5 bullets. If you're interested, the results are as follows.
  1. Ashley Cole
  2. Frank Lampard
  3. Ricardo Carvalho
  4. Michael Ballack
  5. The C**t
Save the best 'till last, you know?
    There are a few scumbags that didn't make the list, and I invite you, dear readers, to provide me with your alternative 'Top 5'.

    My God, I hate Chelsea.


    In other news, another of my predictions is about to come true as David Cameron will surely be our next Prime Minister. I say 'our' rather loosely as I've felt incredibly detached from this election, being on another continent as I am. That's not to say I'm sad about that. I think the whole thing has been a complete farce. I'm glad to be detached from it.

    The reason we have a hung Parliament (and, as my mate Bakercake said, maybe they should drop their pants and let us be the judge of that) is that there is no single party that is offering real change. They're all fucking idiots. The one piece of truth that has emerged from this whole debacle is that electoral reform is needed to create true democracy in the UK. Look at what is happening now. The party with the most elected seats, the Tories, will be doing a power-sharing deal with the party with the least elected seats, the Liberals. How can this be so? And our next Prime Minister will be David Cameron who, as the election has shown, does not have the confidence of the majority of the country. And how can the Liberals and the Conservatives share power? Their politics are absolute polar opposites. Liberal leader Nick Clegg is selling his soul in order to get a job in David Cameron's government. It's a disgrace.

    Am I the only one who things Labour are getting a bad rep? Gordon Brown is not Prime Minister material, that is clear to all who can see (not including him though, eh eh?) but he is not a fool. He was a damn fine Chancellor when he held the position in Blair's government and was left to deal with the disgrace of a country that the war criminal left him. He should step down and there should be a new Labour party leader. But any bi-partisan Government should be between Labour and Conservative. The Lib Dems have been given a clear no-no by the voting public. They got 11% of the seats. How can they be in power?

    At least the BNP's Nick Griffin got his arse handed to him. Hopefully that's the last we'll see of him. If not, he can stand behind The C**t while I show Chelsea what time it is.

    Oh a happier note, I attended the Seoul Friendship Festival yesterday which is Korea's latest attempt to persuade its guests that it is not the racist, bigoted country that it appears to be (even though it is). Regardless, this provided me with a welcome break from rice and kimchi and I gorged myself on Turkish kebabs, Greek souvlaki and baklava,  Iraqi stuffed peppers, British sausages (courtesy of Gavin) and Paraguayan chicken pies washed down with Vietnamese beer and Argentinian red wine. Very happy, I was. And we rounded it all off with Iron Man 2 at the IMAX and a $5 pizza for tea. Lovely stuff.

    And then the Chelsea thing happened. Bastards.

    Happy Monday!

    Love, Smithy x


    Sue Smith said...

    what can i say,having shared a house with you ,know your hatred of rival teams and glad you still feel the passion. Well as i write this Brown has resigned (physic again eh Andrew)
    Keep going your blogs brighten my day!!
    So glad you had a change of diet just for one day !1
    Love you

    |Mum xxx

    Lindsay said...

    i was gonna say the same thing...physic again andy with brown resigning only hours ago! xxxx

    Bil said...

    Can you give me an actual reason why Lampard is on that list? No arguements about the others but as far as I can see Lampard has done nothing offensive other than be mates with Terry. It seems to me it's only United fans that hate him. Slight jealousy perhaps?

    Postman said...

    I would say shoot the C**t first. But only because I don't know the other guys.

    Now, I've been trying to keep up with this election stuff, but I wasn't quite sure what having a "hung Parliament" meant (beyond the bawdier definition Bakercake pointed out). Glad you cleared that up.

    Mmm...Iraqi stuffed peppers...and $5 pizza! How come I never heard about this festival, huh?

    How was "Iron Man 2"? I've been trying to convince myself to go pay $7.50 to go see that wanker Downey parade all over the screen in a metal suit, but I'm not sure it's worth it.

    Smithy said...

    Mum + Linz - can you see now how impressive my psychic powers can be? My next political prediction - a second general election in September/October. Go put some money on it.
    Bil - I don't know man, there's just something about him isn't there? I mean, being JT's best mate and being such a cockney wide-boy would be bad enough, even if he didnt have a twatty, Kaka-wannabe celebration and a stupid face. It's really not jealousy, believe me. I hate Jon Obi Mikel as well, and he's shit.
    Besides, who needs Fat Frank when you've got Darren 'bloody' Fletcher?
    Postman - Iron Man 2 is just an okay movie really, a bit slow at times but when the action is going it's fabulous, the dialogue is pretty entertaining and Scarlett Johansson is smokin'! Thing is though, I saw it at the IMAX and it was glorious. I didn't realise what the hype was about until Sunday night. If you get the chance to see it at the IMAX then go, it's worth the extra money.
    The International Friend Festival is a new thing since last year, so I've been told. It's one of the many advantages of living in Seoul compared to Geoje, having access to more cultural opportunities. Although it's offset by the pollution.
    Cheers for the plug by the way, appreciated. I've got a new follower from it!

    Anonymous said...

    Gary Neville, all five bullets.