I recently spent a lot of my precious Wii-playing time attempting to upgrade our cable and internet packagee so that I have the required football channels in time for the business end of the season and the World Cup in the summer.
"Yes, Mr Andrew, you certainly have all the soccer channels," said my new best friend.
"Premier League and Champions League? I've heard they're on different channels?"
"Yes, Mr Andrew."
"Do you know my surname is Smith?"
"Yes, Mr Andrew."
Like a kid with a new toy, I woke myself at 4.45am last Wednesday to watch United demolish AC Milan at home, thanking my lucky stars that the cable lady's parents decided to pay for their daughter's glorious Hagwon education so that waegooks like me can watch the footy. At midnight on Sunday, however, I was surprised to see United's opponents Fulham being represented by an orange kit-wearing group of fellas calling themselves Wolves. Well, 왈브스 (Wol-be-suh). They were showing the previous game's highlights. The next day I made a phone call.
"I don't think I have the right channels on my cable packagee," I said.
"왜? I mean, why Mr Andrew?" she said.
"Well, I couldn't watch the game last night. They had the Wolves highlights on."
"The Wolves game. The Wol-be-suh game."
"The wrong game. It was on SBS. I don't have SBS."
"But Mr Andrew, you do have S-uh B S-uh. It the basic channel."
"My Turkish friend had the game. I didn't have the game. He's a Liverpool fan. That's not fair."
"I'll call you back."
I've still not got it sorted. It might have to be that I go to the bar for the League games and watch the Champions League games at home. Fine by me.
One of the other benefits of my new packagee is the addition of some English language news channels - CNN, BBC World News and the incredible Fox News. This has caused me a great deal of delight. I don't even click on BBC any more. It's Fox News all the way.
Now, I'm English. I was brought up on Trevor McDonald and Peter Sissons. The most outrageous thing to ever happen on a British news channel was letting a Welshman read it. This is why I find myself staring at the Fox News bulletins with my mouth hanging open, wondering if what I am witnessing is actually real.
It's all so dramatic! The news is reported like its a fucking action movie. It's all crazy graphics, amped-up reporters and horrific descriptions.
"And to confirm Janie, the victim's brains were leaking from her ear-hole, is that right?"It's incredible, it really is.
"Yes Kevin, that is correct I am standing here, inside the victim's living room and as you can see, on the table in front of me, is the residue from when the bullet exploded through the victim's skull. I guess you could say their mind is on other things, right Kevin? Back to you in the studio."
And then, every now and then, I manage to catch one of the political commentators on the network like Glenn Beck or, if I'm really lucky, Bill O'Reilly. Ah, Bill O'Reilly. I've only really been aware of him through rappers mentioning him in songs but one night, after a late-night drinking session in Thailand, I happened to come across his O'Reilly Factor on the hotel's TV.
"Miss Canadia, look it's Bill O'Reilly!"
"You know, fuck Chuck Phillips and Bill O'Reilly if they try to stop hip-hop we all gon' rally! You know?"
"Shut up. I'm trying to sleep."
I truly love the guy. I mean, I disagree with every single word that comes out of his mouth, but that doesn't mean I can't love him. It's incredible television. Once, in a discussion about the problems medical marijuana patients might suffer when required to take a drug test at work, he said -
"But how would they be able to identify themselves? I mean, they'd have their little ID card but, you know..."
- and then carried on! Woah there, Bill! Slow down a moment! You just answered your own question there, sunshine.
Q: How would they be able to identify themselves?
A: Their little ID card.
He's the kind of guy that believes rap music is a threat to American children, if you need a reference point on him. He won't accept any kind of discussion on Obama's health care bill (or Obama in general, to be honest) and then somehow has the balls to declare himself an Independent.
But people lap it up. The man earns over $10m a year. He is - by some, I believe they are called racists - a respected journalist. Incredible.
In England he'd be hosting the Generation Game.
Love, Smithy x