What is there to do in Wales, anyway? Shepherd?

I'm moving to Wales in 5 months. La Canadiana wants to be a teacher and, despite my warnings that she'll have to wear a suit of armour to do so in the UK, she still has ambitions beyond the Korean classroom.

We'll be well and truly done with the Republic of Kimchi by the time moving day comes along. We're well and truly done already, truth be told. But we have to squeeze this Won-soaked sponge for as much as we can muster before fleeing from this peninsula like the Japanese warriors before us.

I know nothing about Wales. Ryan Giggs - that is where my give-a-shit starts and bloody ends. I may have been to Llandudno a couple of times when I was a kid, and I've certainly been to that place with the world's longest Train station name (Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch - thanks, Google) but I've no idea what it's going to be like to live there. Maybe it won't be any different. Maybe it will be full of Welsh people.

It's a bilingual country (English and Gibberish) meaning the signs will be in 2 languages and the people will speak with an accent that is sort of normal but not quite, so my Canadian girlfriend should feel right at home. They use the Pound, of course, so everything will be 3 times as expensive as it should be. It rains all the time but fuck it. I'm from Bury, I'm sure I'll cope.

God knows what I'm going to do when I get there. I'll be fairly keen not to throw away every single penny I've saved in Korea so employment will be in order. I'll want to acclimatise myself and get in the good books with the locals, so I'll probably start out dealing smack. You know, supply and demand and all that. After that, who knows? Car salesman? Pimp? Or a shepherd, like the gay one from Glee suggested? The sky's the limit.

Realistically, I'll be trying to get work experience in Journalism, paid or unpaid, in whatever field I can get in at and try and earn some money making pornos on the side. Big money in Ginger-porn, so I've heard.

So, family, don't be concerned. I've chosen my next exit on the endless round-a-bout of life. I'm going to be a smack-selling porn star in Cardiff with a sideline in unpaid Journalism.


Love, Smithy x


smorphie said...

By the way you so loving describe it, Wales sounds an awful lot like England's Canada. So I don't imagine the Canadian lady would have any problems feeling right at home.

Postman said...

"England's Canada." Good one, smorphie. That made me smile.

Wales in 5 months, eh? Big move, but not too far from home for you. You can run home on weekends if the sheep-humping gets to be a bit much.

A delightful update, told in your inimitable style. Thank you for (a) letting me know what the longest train station name in the world is; (b) what the Welshman's second language is; and (c) putting me off Ginger-porn for life. Thanks a heap, in fact.

Murr Brewster said...

And I'd always heard it was Montana where men were men and sheep were nervous.

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