I never used to read the news. I got bored very quickly by it all. Economics was above me, world news slipped right past me. In fact, I could time a news bulletin perfectly when I was younger to find myself entering the room just as the sports headlines were being read out. It's about 22 minutes into the 6 o'clock news, if you're wondering.

As I got a bit older, I'd flick through the papers in my house, only really pausing on the Sports pages long enough to check that United's dominance was continuing and checking the Sunday supplement for any problem pages. I love problem pages. I'd like to take Dear Deirdre out for a meal.

I don't know if it's because I'm getting older or because I've been living abroad and have a greater desire to feel connected to events in the West, but I now peruse the news websites on a daily basis and devour every item I can get my clicking finger on. I love it. But, at the same time, I really really hate it. It's depressing, it exacerbates fear and dread, and it's not to be trusted due to certain networks following a strict political agenda.

However, you can worry about that no longer. Because I, Smithy, have come to the rescue. Don't bother clicking on BBC or CNN or any of that nonsense. I'll bring the news to you live and regular, on a semi weekly basis, with my own unique slant on things. If it's uninformed and ill-researched satire you are after, then look no further.

After all, my site is ranked 27,626,402 in the world. You can't argue with those figures now, can you?

So, let's look at what's going on today, shall we?

The most shocking story of the day is the French supporting the US in their push to force the UN to take sanctions against Iran. This is part of the West's global plan to arm ourselves whilst disarming others and is, as far as I can tell, the equivalent of cutting off your enemy's willy so he can't sleep with your girlfriend. Shock, bloody horror that the French are supporting the Americans. In fact I can't remember a single other time in history when that has happened. Ever. To be fair though, Ahmadinejad is a maniac and it is in the planet's best interest to keep nuclear weapons out of his hands. It would just be nice if we had something more powerful than the UN to make that happen. We might as well throw daisies at him.

Sometimes, I'll read something in the news that will make me so happy that my kids actually learn some English that day. This happened last week when I saw the report about the US retired General John Sheehan claiming that the Sreberenica massacre in Bosnia in 1995 was caused because some of the Dutch army "were gay". Now, I don't know what the Sreberenica massacre is. I only know that Bosnia was somewhere that Blue Peter cared about in the 90s. But the fact that a former American soldier can make such a ludicrous statement to a senate discussion on homosexuality in the Army made me smile for the rest of the day. Unbelievable. Anyway, he's apologised today. Justified? Yes. Believable? No. If he said it in such a high-profile setting then he obviously meant it. Anyway, an American Army General making homophobic comments? Shocking! I'd be more surprised if he hadn't.

On a related note, Ricky Martin has announced he is gay. Err...what? Did I miss a meeting here? Ricky Martin makes Prince Charles look straight! Miss Canadia and I were discussing Ricky Martin's love of golden showers the other day (it was in Q, okay?), before this groundbreaking announcement on his sexual preference, and I was explaining to her that it isn't that weird because he's gay and they're a kinky bunch. Miss Canadia said that Ricky Martin was not gay but, if he was, that would make it more perverted.

What say you, dear reader? Is a gay golden shower more perverted than a straight golden shower?

Anyway, Ricky Martin's gay. And, in other news, the Pope's Catholic, bears do shit in the woods and the French support the US.

Oh, and speaking of the Pope. How about you perpetuate a stereotype Popey? As if Catholic priests don't have a bad enough rap, why not cover up years of abuse of poor little German boys? Scary.

Finally, and on a more serious note, the bombings in Moscow this week and the sinking of a South Korean naval ship were the biggest stories over here due to Korea's proximity to Russia and the mysterious circumstances and tragic deaths of the Korean navymen. 46 men are still missing from the ship that appears to have been blown in two and, despite South Korea's assertions that they may have survived in pockets of oxygen under the water, things are starting to look bleak. The press are playing down the idea that it may have been an attack by the North (despite the explosion taking place almost directly south of the maritime border) and suggesting it could have been a mine left over from the Korean War or even an explosion from within the ship. Personally, I would be worried if it did turn out to be an attack from the North as retaliation would almost certainly be expected but we'll have to wait and see. The two sides have been bumping chests together for years and, despite frequent threats from the North, nothing ever seems to happen. This would be the first time that such a high number of lives had been lost, however. If it were the North, it would be an act so bold that it would border on stupidity to fire unprovoked on a South Korean ship, protected so strongly as the South are by the US. I doubt it was them. But, then again, what do I know? If there was the slightest hint of violence between the two countries, I'd be on a plane so fast I'd leave dust in my wake. Dirty, nasty, yellow dust.

So, that's it for the first edition of Smithy's news. In fact, it was so poor, it may well be the last.

Love, Smithy x


Postman said...

27,626,402nd in the world! Congratulations, Smithy! That might even be lower than Princess Eugenie's MySpace page.

I could give you the usual conservative spiel about how Ahmadinejad's evil, blah blah blah; we need to stop him, yadda yadda yadda; he ought to have his head cut off and super-glued to his ass so he can watch us kick the shit out of him, etc, etc. But you've likely heard it all before.

You're right, it's too bad about the U.N. being so ineffectual. With any luck, Ahmadinejad is allergic to daisies.

I tell you what, if you thought Sheehan was bad, I really wish good ol' George S Patton was still around. I'll bet whatever HE said up there on the subject of homosexuality would've curled even Pelosi's hair.

I didn't know what the Sreberenica Massacre was. Nor Blue Peter, for that matter. Had to run over to Wikipedia to find out...

Thanks, Smithy. Thanks a million. I would've died a perfectly happy man WITHOUT knowing what golden showers were, thank you very much. I should've gotten off Wikipedia when I had the chance.

"...despite South Korea's assertions that they may have survived in pockets of oxygen under the water..." Hee hee. Oh, those whimsical Koreans. I know just the sort of relentless optimism you're satirizing. Gotta hand it to 'em. They probably live longer lives because of it.

Yellow dust time again, eh? Just this once I'm glad I'm not over there.

On the contrary, sir: I enjoy this sort of news reporting very much. It's like Fox News, only without the bikini models and child rape and Antichrist militias. Keep it up, I'm looking forward to the next one.

But where the hell's the sports news? Or does Man U being on top of the world not qualify as news anymore?

Postman said...

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I left you an award over at my blog. You little creative writer, you. Hope you enjoy the lies I've promulgated about you and bacon.

smorphie said...

Thanks for the update. I had no idea the Pope was Catholic. What is happening to the world!??!?!

Jane Jones said...

Haha, I liked this edition of the news. It was interesting, well-written, and fricking hilarious. Glad I stopped by :)