United v Bayern Munich - As It Happens...

It's 3.46am. I just stumbled out of bed and banged my head on the wall.  I'm going to try something a bit different and talk you through the game as it happens. I'm half-dead so I apologise in advance. United are down 2-1 from the first leg albeit with a vital away goal scored by King Rooney before he injured himself. We'll be without him for this game. We need to score.

After turning on the TV I saw Rooney's bald little face and, in my zombie-like confusion, thinking they were showing a replay (not an unusual presumption considering my past experience with Korean broadcasters) skipped through the other sports channels. It was during this time that United scored through Darren Gibson, deftly set up by Rooney himself. He's playing. After Fergie said that he had 'no chance' of playing. An amazing piece of acting. The Munich manager must be furious. 1-0 United. 2-2 with the away goal. Munich have to score.

It was while typing that paragraph that I looked up just in time to see Nani 'do a Ronaldo' and score with a little flick behind his left leg into the far post. Great ball from Valencia, great finish from the little Portuguese and just like that, 6 minutes in, it's 3-2 on aggregate. Still, one goal from Munich would make it exactly level including away goals. No time for a party yet.

Paddy Evra just went through the back of recently-returned-from-injury-ex-Chelsea-slaphead-should-have-chosen-United-Arjen Robben. As much as I applaud the physical assault of any Chelsea player, past or present, this opens the door for Rooney getting a kicking.

Rooney is limping. England fans will be plotting to kill Fergie. He has to come off. He can't run. On a lighter note, Evra just flattened Robben again and baldy don't like it.

The Germans don't look at all dangerous going forward. Evra's having a blinder marking Robben and The World's Ugliest Man is getting no joy with young Rafael down our right. Rooney looks a bit better. Readers should be aware that Rooney is machine - not man - and as such does not heal at the same rate as us mere mortals.

Out of sheer stubbornness to make my purchasing of QOOK TV worthwhile I am refusing to connect my computer and instead am watching this on Korean TV. The commentary baffles me. It is obviously mostly in Korean but the odd verb is screamed out in Konglish. So if you listen carefully you can hear "shooting!", "crossing!" "punching!" "heading!" So annoying! Why doesn't someone point out to them that it's "header!" not "heading!" And Vidic is not "Vidichy". I may put English commentary on at half time.

Little Rafael da Silva just narrowly missed a good chance. I've always loved a good full back and him and his twin brother Fabio are certainly good full backs. If it weren't for us having the best left back in the world already in Paddy Evra (Cashley, who?) I'm sure we'd have seen a lot more of the two of them together. We will in the future I'm sure.

Edwin van De Sar is a beast. All goalkeepers have to be completely mental and he just took a kick to the face saving that. Not the best defending by United there.

3-0! Valencia with another fantastic run to the by-line and a teasing cross misses Rooney and runs through to Nani who delivers a very difficult finish into the roof of the net. Amazing.

Before I could stop my silent celebrating and knock that paragraph out the little Croat Olic sneaked through a snide little finish across the front of Van de Sar. Robben comes close soon after and the momentum is clearly with the Germans. The half-time whistle goes and not one minute too soon.

United 4 - 3 Munich on aggregate. Only one German goal away from heartbreak. This game's far from over. It's 4:36am. I'm getting a cup of tea.

Okay, here we go. 4.47am and the second half is kicking off. Decided against a brew as I might try and get back to sleep after the game. Doubt it though. This has the possibility of being the most nerve-wracking 45 minutes I've watched in a long time.

Rafael's just been sent off. What the hell for? Am I missing something? Where was the foul?? The World's Ugliest Man is a cheating bastard. And he's fucking French.

Rooney off, John O'Shea on. Had to be done to shore up the defence. Nani's having an absolute blinder, his best game in a United shirt. I think he will decide the outcome here. 34 minutes left and we can't concede. Because I can't see us scoring.

The replay of the sending off suggests there was a tug by Rafael. I stand by my cheating French bastard comment. Just not on that occasion.

I've swapped over onto the laptop now and connected it to the TV so I'm watching on Setanta through Veetle. The jury is out on whether the Setanta commentary in English is more or less annoying than the Korean one. Just faced the wrath of the Canadian by sneaking back to the bedroom to steal her computer.

She said, "Mmmmeh".
I said, "3-1 darling. Bayern are one away-goal from going through".
She said "Mmmmeh".

21 minutes of defending left.

Switched back to the telly as Veetle failed and I realised it was a good 30 seconds behind the live footage. I'm speaking to people in England and I can't risk finding something out on Skype before it happens on the TV.

Robben has scored for Munich.

To be honest, it was coming and at least it's happened now rather than later. Robben was taken off immediately after scoring and Berbatov is warming up. We need to get some possession and start bombarding their goal like they've been bombarding ours. 13 minutes to score or we're out of the Champions League on away goals.

Berbatov on for Carrick. Giggs on for Gibson.

It's times like this that I'm glad I don't have the English commentary. If I heard 'United have 10 minutes to win this' or 'it's squeaky bum time' I'd throw something at the TV.

Do United know that we're out if we don't score? 10 minutes and not one real attempt on goal. 3 minutes of injury time left.

Now's the time to play Kick a Frenchman with Ribery's face. The German fans are going mental. Not seen so many bouncing mullets since...I don't know I'm too pissed off to finish that joke.

Game over. Our 'dream draw' in the Champions League proved false as we fell to a German team we should have destroyed. We paid for conceding soft goals in both legs and missed Rooney at 100% tonight. Only a Chelsea slip-up can hand us any chance of glory this season.

The Koreans are playing a Nickelback song over a montage of highlights from the game.

Time to get an hour sleep before work.

Gutted.

Love, Smithy x